How has Timothy’s death affected or impacted me. May 2010
I’ve become very angry, frustrated and I lack the ability to focus on other issues in my daily life. I struggle to get through a day without crying over the details of my son’s death. We have now been through a year of firsts without Timothy. Our family has had births and deaths and we have an upcoming wedding. Every event is bittersweet because Timothy isn’t there to join in the festivities, and he should be.
I liked my life quite well 2 yrs ago. I was in my 10th year of driving a school bus, and I was cooking meals for a senior’s home. I now know how it feels to lose a child, and I no longer want the responsibility of all those children’s lives on my shoulders. I no longer possess the patience or the personality to do the job. I am no longer the fun-loving, carefree person that I used to be. I have great difficulty sleeping and even when I sleep I never feel rested. I worry all the time about my family members when they’re not in my sight. I worry about how Timothy’s death has affected my remaining children., and what the long term affects will be. I have concerns over my husband’s health. He now has high blood pressure even with his medication and he too has a hard time getting any rest. The stress has taken a toll on all of us.
I am almost 50 yrs old and I swear these past 2 years have aged me by 10 years every employment I’ve ever had has been people oriented, I used to enjoy interacting with others through my work and socializing. I don’t any more and I have no desire to make new acquaintances because I don’t trust people anymore. I have no idea what I’ll be doing for employment in the future and that is a very big concern for me. I have been in therapy 2 to 3 times a week since Timothy’s death to give me the tools to help me cope on a daily basis with the sorrow, heartache and rage I now experience. Of course the cost of getting to therapy and the therapy itself are not cheap. I am often unable to focus on the task at hand and my memory has become sporadic, retention is a problem too. I hear conversations and can participate in them, however, trying to recall them later is difficult. I have to write everything down now. I am currently on long term disability so my income is about half of what it was before which of course has put more of the financial burden on my husband
I have never been a prejudiced person and now I am wary of all people and particularly of people of Asian descent. I don’t want this to be the case it just is. I don’t want to see the visions in my mind but they are still there. I don’t want to be here speaking the review board, I feel I have to be.
Carol de Delley (Timothy McLean’s mother)